The Friend with Benefits

C. is my best friend right now. And C. is the first friend I have had who has offered himself in this way to me. It feels like an amazing gift to just be allowed to admire and be excited by that which I find beautiful. While I have at times in the past allowed myself to tell others  I found them attractive, to be this open and expressive, raw and explicit, is cathartic for me.

C. is straight. Maybe not 100%, but for all intents and purposes, he is sexually and romantically interested in women. So why has he decided to come and be an object of beauty for me to play with? His reasons have been pretty consistent and clear: He enjoys hanging out with me, my perspective, and attitude. He wants to add some muscle to his frame, likes working out, and appreciates my encouragement and guidance. He likes making me feel good. 

He told me at one point that being the object of beauty held as much stigma for him as being open about my own muscle-worship PEM (Personal Erotic Myth) had had for me. Both of us have considered ourselves as socially conscious and aware beings, and this beauty/admiration dynamic has for us perhaps some controversial entanglements with the capitalist marketing domain and image factory with which our culture is working. We are also artists, a class of beings who, long before the capitalist began co-opting our images for its own machinations, have been celebrating beauty in myriad forms. I like the idea that this is us taking back our power and reveling in beauty without its contemporary baggage. It is light-work.

I do not ask anything of C. beyond that which he is up for. It is a very free-feeling relationship. We each can be as clear as we want with our intentions and our boundaries, and we trust one another to honor that. C. has drawn lines a few times with me, and I am at ease questioning them and negotiating alternate routes to get where I am wanting to go.  I think C. appreciates a space where he is not asked for anything more than he is willing to give.

I love C. I have told him as much. He is clear about having no romantic intentions with me, and so there is more for me to explore with others in that respect. I so treasure and find so rare what he offers me though, that I have found a comfortable way to be in love with someone who does not reciprocate my feelings. I love him and allow him to be who he is being. I love him and honor his unique self-expression. I love him and appreciate what he's willing to give. I want more, but have found a wonderful concept that feels rather new and fresh to me: that he does not have to be the source of the more that I am wanting. That he is giving what he wants, and that I will come to receive more in some similar wondrous way that C. made himself available to me.

Rampage of Appreciation

Allow me to express my appreciation for all of the qualities Life has caused me to desire through the years that you have come forth to embody:

First, this friendship. I have long thought that the relationship through which I wished to explore this fascination with muscle would best be with someone I consider a good friend. Someone I trust, someone who trusts me. Someone who encourages my full integration, and offers themselves as a playmate for such exploration. You radiate all of those qualities I treasure in a friend: intelligence, independence, good humor, edgy, bright, friendly, and Well-Being-Centered. This is huge. Thank you!

And then there is the flexiness. As you know, over the years, I have had many encounters, many one-timers and a few serial meetups, with various bodytypes along the spectrum I so appreciate. Very few have flexed for me with such enthusiasm, spontaneity, and seeming tirelessness that you exhibit. It is a gift, I tell you, and I receive it with tremendous love and appreciation. I am honored.

You tell me how you want to be rock-hard-bodied when you hug someone. GOD! This is as hot to me as someone who wants to have huge muscles. In fact, I have to say given the choice of big muscles not so solid and a rock solid body not so big, my preference is YOU. Give me that ROCK SOLID MUSCLE. It is a thrill! An excitement nothing else gives me right now. When you flex, you are a rock, and I love it, and I love that you want more! And that you want to be at least a little bigger? That's bodybuilding, man. You are a bodybuilder, and I am blessed to have you as a friend who lets me feel you up and watch and appreciate you in ways I have always wanted to feel and watch and appreciate a musclebody. THANK YOU!

There are all the little details that excite me, too. These were never deal-breakers for me, but little preferences that you exhibit with natural grace. You are tall. A little taller than me, in fact. I have always had an eye for someone bigger than me, so tall is exciting! You are beautiful in the face. A kind of ethnic handsomeness. You are naturally smooth-skinned. You have some body hair, but it is miraculously short and soft. I much prefer a natural surface to a shaved and overly-groomed one, and I also prefer naturally smooth to the hairier alternatives. You are younger than I am. Again: a long-time and unspoken preference that fills me with happiness to know this is mine for now. You have a lovely proportion to your body, you are beautifully sized and shaped all over, and it thrills me that you are exerting effort to improve on what is already quite exquisite. You have a beautiful butt and a handsome penis. Your legs are super strong and gorgeously muscled. Your waist is lean and tight and your abs are coming through quickly and sharply! Your chest is beautifully defined and shaped. Your arms and shoulders are long and strong and thicker than they might at first appear! Your neck. Your neck! I love a long strong neck with a prominent Adam's apple. Yours is so hot. You have a natural athleticism. You push yourself to accomplish what you desire. And this is quite harmoniously balanced with an ease and allowing attitude toward my rather lax approach to my own body and life.

For these and even more qualities that flitter through my awareness as I think about you, I offer my profound Love and appreciation, my intention for Well-Being, and my excitement and eagerness for whatever comes next. Love love love and Thank You Thank You!

Dan Savage Assists Me with Some Insights

My friend, C

When my friend C expressed an interest in being the object of my fetish for muscle, I was very excited. I also had some personal hangups I would need to overcome before jumping in wholeheartedly. As soon as C left my house, I decided to write out my concerns in a letter to Dan Savage. After writing it, I called Dan Savage's podcast voicemail, read the letter through, and promptly forgot about it, wondering vaguely if it might be mentioned on Dan's podcast in the coming weeks.

And then, about a week later, I was driving back to work from a lunch break when my phone rang. I answered on my car's bluetooth sound system. It was Dan Savage himself, and he made me pull over so I could talk with him safely, which I did immediately. We had a great conversation; he is so personable and familiar it was a bit like chatting with an old friend.

If you follow the link and don't want to listen to Dan's opening rant or the whole podcast, I am the first caller and my call begins at exactly 9:50 on the podcast timeline and our conversation runs to 20:45.

Savage Lovecast Episode 45

I have to say, the advice worked. Recognizing that my friend would probably not have invited this interaction if there was nothing in it for him helped me allow the interactions to unfold naturally. C knows what I look like, knows what I am into, and asked me anyway.

C visited me about a week after the podcast was released. I had messaged him a couple of times asking if he listened to the podcast without letting him know that I had been on it. He hadn't, though, so I played it for him and it opened the door for a new chapter in our friendship that now includes workouts and body worship. I will continue to explore this territory and journal about it here for as long as it inspires us.

Be Well!

The Feel of Solid Flesh Against the Skin

My friend knew I had a fetish for muscle. Maybe he didn't know all of the intimate details, how many directions it had led me over a lifetime, how much of my persona it had shaped. But he knew enough to ask me one night, just a few short weeks ago, if it would be weird to flex his muscles for me. 

Of course it would be weird! He was 20 years younger than I, my friend of several years, more into women than men, and not attracted to me sexually. Yet, here he was, interested, willing, inviting me to indulge my attraction to him, my desire to view him as a sexual object, to allow myself to arouse an energy that I had mostly kept to myself. Known but kept hidden for my entire adolescence, I had only shared my secret with a few of my most trusted and supportive friends, and a few scattered clandestine liasons through my adult life.

This is a dream coming true for me. And so many threads of the tapestry I'd spent my erotic life weaving show up in this new garment. Tall, handsome, creative, athletic, smooth and lean, with dense, solid muscle he almost sheepishly carries on his lithe, lanky frame. Confident, strong, funny, wise, a person I already know and love as a sweet friend. Generous, helpful, kind.

Then there are the qualities I had not really known about him until our first exploration of our parts in this story. That he enjoys pushing himself in his workouts. That his muscles have that solid dense feeling, like a hard cock, that thrills me like nothing else can. That he makes noises of effort when he works out, pushes himself to his limits. Appreciates being directed and encouraged to do more than he might on his own.

We have had 2 sessions since he first brought the subject up, some details of which I will share in coming posts. For now, I wanted to reboot this blog by introducing this adventure which is just now unfolding for me.

For now, stay strong and be well!

Big Boy

Just back from the gym: chest, shoulders and triceps today. First day in the gym in a few weeks, but I've been working out at home with fair regularity (3 sets of 15 crunches, pushups, and supermans, 2-5 nights a week, + sun salutations and chinups/pullups in the mornings, plus I got in a shoulder workout and a forearm workout, and I've been working on posture with advice from my chiropractor).

I was pleased to note that my aerobic strut on the elliptical trainer (which took several weeks to work up to 18 minutes) did not falter, even though I've done nothing aerobic-specific for about a month. 15 min 70 rpm and 3 minute cooldown at 50 rpm.

A genuine bodybuilder was working out today, amazing condition, white, I'd have put him somewhere in his 30's, probably younger than me, wearing a torn-out t-tank and a baseball cap, outrageously broad shoulders with big traps, deep back with crazy-wide lats, wide, well defined pectoral muscles, big shoulders and arms, great calves though not quite symmetrical with his upperbody size. While he was no pro-category, the man was in competitve condition, a different breed than anyone else in there. I'd guess him at around 5'10", maybe 210, 220, hard to guess, very lean, conditioned pounds. smooth, but not shaved, skin. Dark hair with a thin-groomed beard. Nice to look at.

I kept my eye on him as he did shoulder work, he moved into the free weight area to do some standing shrugs on a smith machine (I think). He was working out a dilemma: six 45-lb plates fit on each side of the machine, lessee, that's 12 X 45, or 540 lbs. Then he was trying to balance 2 more plates on top of each side (erm, another 180 plus the original 540 is 720 frikkin' pounds. Let's just say the dude was strong.) Well, he was having difficulty keeping the four plates that wouldn't fit on the spindles on top of the horizontal stacks: each time he tried the shrug, the plates on top would topple off. I debated internally about going over to help keep them balanced but I resisted, I guess out of old unwarranted fears. Anyway, I ducked into the lockerroom to grab a towel out of my bag since I was starting to throw off the holy living waters, and when I returned, another guy was doing what I'd considered, chatting him up, trying to figure out how to help him. He was still unable to get the weights to stay up, since there really needed to be a spot on either side, but I still resisted going over to help. Eventually, he decided against using the extra plates on top and satisfied himself with the spindled weight, and looked mighty fine doing that, let me tell you. As he finished unloading his plates, I found the courage to approach him.

"Can I ask how you usually train lat (sic) traps if you're stronger than the machine?" He smiled and spoke in a friendly, helpful way, exlplaining how he usually used the upright squat rack, where he could load more weight, or the hack squat rack, where he did some version of one-armed shrugs. I was having trouble following his track since I was paying half of my attention to my body, which was trembling in the lower extremities, a probable physical expression of the fear I'd been struggling with in the first place. Now, talking to the big friendly guy I could show my body no harm would come to it, but the shakes continued until I stopped the conversation, which ended with a suprise: I asked how long he'd been bodybuilding, and he said he'd only been training for 2 1/2 years. I must have given an incredulous "wow" or something, I just know he reacted with a "yeah, that's what everybody says."

Now the clincher. I asked him how old he was. He said he was 22. I know I said "Wow, that's really impressive" and my brain was kind of reeling, taking in his size, and his condition, and his friendliness, and his age, and I was in this happy, basking mood just being so close to this superman. We went our seperate ways, and he went on to do some leg work (which he was pretty vocal doing on his final 2 or 3 reps of each set, with a loud, sexy, breathy moan.)

Another big guy, though not conditioned like the shrugger, wanted to work in with me on the incline bench. He was young, blond, handsome, a little distracted with his i-pod, but very friendly, helping me load and unload plates, letting me know he could help spot if I needed, even though I was rather self-consciously moving rather light weights (I was benching with 75 lbs, and he was benching 185.) Finally, he introduced himself as Curtis, and I returned the gesture. Sweet.

One other guy worth mentioning, a tall young man, maybe 6'2" or 6'3", with a slightly dorky nerd-jock face, but awesome calves (best in the room) and thick and strong arms and shoulders. I saw him doing military presses with 70 and 80 lbs. dumbells, with a little assistance from others. All in all, it seems like a good cameraderie at 24hour Fitness.

May it continue!

Let me just remind the universe to keep sending me opportunities to help, to allow me to overcome my fear, and keep me on the path.

Summertime

Muscle, muscle everywhere, and not an arm to squeeze.

Okay. This is my brain on Sthenolagnia, the name provided by psychology to describe sexual arousal by displays of strength or muscularity. I'm guessing this is just an overpronounced, compulsive/obsessive version of the almost universal admiration by humanity for the idealized human form. Why ancient Egypt and Greece, the Rennaisance sculptors and painters, and modern photography and webcammers have across time and space chosen to hold up the muscular male body for perpetual view.

Cuz the thing is, I want to see it all the time. I want the image to be in my eyes, I'd like to be able to touch it, feel it, squeeze it, observe it performing, flexxing, exerting, stretching. Full-body. Close-up. In focus. Don't stop until I'm satisfied. And then let's do it again when I'm ready. Tomorrow. Or in a few minutes.

And humans aren't really set up to perform this way. I am 38 years old and have yet to find a body or set of bodies willing to provide me with on-demand entertainment. So we have sculpture. Painting. Photography. GMPics. ezboard Teen Muscle Guys Photos and World of Men and Bodybuilders, Inc. Stories and threads at Muscle Growth Evolution Home Page.

Presently, I am 5'11", which I've been since I was a Junior in highschool. Only then I was 129 lbs with a 29 inch waist, and now I am 195 lbs with a 40 inch waist. For the last 10 years or so, I have been slowly adding bulk to my frame, secretly and slowly building muscle so as not to grotesquely admit to what I was doing to others. Let is sneak up on them. But it also allowed me to take it at my own pace. Slow. Steady. Without the judgment, advice, and fussing of friends and family. Though I have had a bit from all sides.

And now I've reached a goal weight that I set for myself at the start of this journey, barely believing it, but getting here all the same.

Here are comparisons of my body measurements from August 2001 to the present::

August 2002 June 2005 Goal: June 2006
Neck 15" 16.25" 17"
Shoulders 46" 47.75" 48"
Chest 42.5" 44.75" 45"
Waist 37" 40.5" 34"
Hips 37.5" 40.75" 38"

Bi/Tri 13" 14" 15"
Forearm 11" 12.5" 13"
Wrist 6.5" 7" 7.25"

Up.Quad 23" 24.5" 25"
MidQuad 21" 22.5" 23"
LoQuad 17.5" 18.25" 19.5"
calf 14.75 16" 16.5"

At my goal stats, one year from now, I'm not too concerned about my weight. I think I'd like to be between 175-195. I've seen some amazing bodies at 175, and my goal is lean, dense muscle. Keep or increase flexibility. Increase stamina.

Right now I am going to the gym once a week, starting about 2 months ago. I am up to 18 minutes on the eliptical trainer (16 minutes at 70 rpm, cool down at 50 rpm 2 min.) I do 1 week pulling, 1 week pushing, 1 week legs. Core I've been inconsistant on, and I need to focus here, especially for my goals, so I will develop a twice a week regimen and build from there.

More soon!