C. is straight. Maybe not 100%, but for all intents and purposes, he is sexually and romantically interested in women. So why has he decided to come and be an object of beauty for me to play with? His reasons have been pretty consistent and clear: He enjoys hanging out with me, my perspective, and attitude. He wants to add some muscle to his frame, likes working out, and appreciates my encouragement and guidance. He likes making me feel good.
He told me at one point that being the object of beauty held as much stigma for him as being open about my own muscle-worship PEM (Personal Erotic Myth) had had for me. Both of us have considered ourselves as socially conscious and aware beings, and this beauty/admiration dynamic has for us perhaps some controversial entanglements with the capitalist marketing domain and image factory with which our culture is working. We are also artists, a class of beings who, long before the capitalist began co-opting our images for its own machinations, have been celebrating beauty in myriad forms. I like the idea that this is us taking back our power and reveling in beauty without its contemporary baggage. It is light-work.
I do not ask anything of C. beyond that which he is up for. It is a very free-feeling relationship. We each can be as clear as we want with our intentions and our boundaries, and we trust one another to honor that. C. has drawn lines a few times with me, and I am at ease questioning them and negotiating alternate routes to get where I am wanting to go. I think C. appreciates a space where he is not asked for anything more than he is willing to give.
I love C. I have told him as much. He is clear about having no romantic intentions with me, and so there is more for me to explore with others in that respect. I so treasure and find so rare what he offers me though, that I have found a comfortable way to be in love with someone who does not reciprocate my feelings. I love him and allow him to be who he is being. I love him and honor his unique self-expression. I love him and appreciate what he's willing to give. I want more, but have found a wonderful concept that feels rather new and fresh to me: that he does not have to be the source of the more that I am wanting. That he is giving what he wants, and that I will come to receive more in some similar wondrous way that C. made himself available to me.
