The Friend with Benefits

C. is my best friend right now. And C. is the first friend I have had who has offered himself in this way to me. It feels like an amazing gift to just be allowed to admire and be excited by that which I find beautiful. While I have at times in the past allowed myself to tell others  I found them attractive, to be this open and expressive, raw and explicit, is cathartic for me.

C. is straight. Maybe not 100%, but for all intents and purposes, he is sexually and romantically interested in women. So why has he decided to come and be an object of beauty for me to play with? His reasons have been pretty consistent and clear: He enjoys hanging out with me, my perspective, and attitude. He wants to add some muscle to his frame, likes working out, and appreciates my encouragement and guidance. He likes making me feel good. 

He told me at one point that being the object of beauty held as much stigma for him as being open about my own muscle-worship PEM (Personal Erotic Myth) had had for me. Both of us have considered ourselves as socially conscious and aware beings, and this beauty/admiration dynamic has for us perhaps some controversial entanglements with the capitalist marketing domain and image factory with which our culture is working. We are also artists, a class of beings who, long before the capitalist began co-opting our images for its own machinations, have been celebrating beauty in myriad forms. I like the idea that this is us taking back our power and reveling in beauty without its contemporary baggage. It is light-work.

I do not ask anything of C. beyond that which he is up for. It is a very free-feeling relationship. We each can be as clear as we want with our intentions and our boundaries, and we trust one another to honor that. C. has drawn lines a few times with me, and I am at ease questioning them and negotiating alternate routes to get where I am wanting to go.  I think C. appreciates a space where he is not asked for anything more than he is willing to give.

I love C. I have told him as much. He is clear about having no romantic intentions with me, and so there is more for me to explore with others in that respect. I so treasure and find so rare what he offers me though, that I have found a comfortable way to be in love with someone who does not reciprocate my feelings. I love him and allow him to be who he is being. I love him and honor his unique self-expression. I love him and appreciate what he's willing to give. I want more, but have found a wonderful concept that feels rather new and fresh to me: that he does not have to be the source of the more that I am wanting. That he is giving what he wants, and that I will come to receive more in some similar wondrous way that C. made himself available to me.

Rampage of Appreciation

Allow me to express my appreciation for all of the qualities Life has caused me to desire through the years that you have come forth to embody:

First, this friendship. I have long thought that the relationship through which I wished to explore this fascination with muscle would best be with someone I consider a good friend. Someone I trust, someone who trusts me. Someone who encourages my full integration, and offers themselves as a playmate for such exploration. You radiate all of those qualities I treasure in a friend: intelligence, independence, good humor, edgy, bright, friendly, and Well-Being-Centered. This is huge. Thank you!

And then there is the flexiness. As you know, over the years, I have had many encounters, many one-timers and a few serial meetups, with various bodytypes along the spectrum I so appreciate. Very few have flexed for me with such enthusiasm, spontaneity, and seeming tirelessness that you exhibit. It is a gift, I tell you, and I receive it with tremendous love and appreciation. I am honored.

You tell me how you want to be rock-hard-bodied when you hug someone. GOD! This is as hot to me as someone who wants to have huge muscles. In fact, I have to say given the choice of big muscles not so solid and a rock solid body not so big, my preference is YOU. Give me that ROCK SOLID MUSCLE. It is a thrill! An excitement nothing else gives me right now. When you flex, you are a rock, and I love it, and I love that you want more! And that you want to be at least a little bigger? That's bodybuilding, man. You are a bodybuilder, and I am blessed to have you as a friend who lets me feel you up and watch and appreciate you in ways I have always wanted to feel and watch and appreciate a musclebody. THANK YOU!

There are all the little details that excite me, too. These were never deal-breakers for me, but little preferences that you exhibit with natural grace. You are tall. A little taller than me, in fact. I have always had an eye for someone bigger than me, so tall is exciting! You are beautiful in the face. A kind of ethnic handsomeness. You are naturally smooth-skinned. You have some body hair, but it is miraculously short and soft. I much prefer a natural surface to a shaved and overly-groomed one, and I also prefer naturally smooth to the hairier alternatives. You are younger than I am. Again: a long-time and unspoken preference that fills me with happiness to know this is mine for now. You have a lovely proportion to your body, you are beautifully sized and shaped all over, and it thrills me that you are exerting effort to improve on what is already quite exquisite. You have a beautiful butt and a handsome penis. Your legs are super strong and gorgeously muscled. Your waist is lean and tight and your abs are coming through quickly and sharply! Your chest is beautifully defined and shaped. Your arms and shoulders are long and strong and thicker than they might at first appear! Your neck. Your neck! I love a long strong neck with a prominent Adam's apple. Yours is so hot. You have a natural athleticism. You push yourself to accomplish what you desire. And this is quite harmoniously balanced with an ease and allowing attitude toward my rather lax approach to my own body and life.

For these and even more qualities that flitter through my awareness as I think about you, I offer my profound Love and appreciation, my intention for Well-Being, and my excitement and eagerness for whatever comes next. Love love love and Thank You Thank You!

Dan Savage Assists Me with Some Insights

My friend, C

When my friend C expressed an interest in being the object of my fetish for muscle, I was very excited. I also had some personal hangups I would need to overcome before jumping in wholeheartedly. As soon as C left my house, I decided to write out my concerns in a letter to Dan Savage. After writing it, I called Dan Savage's podcast voicemail, read the letter through, and promptly forgot about it, wondering vaguely if it might be mentioned on Dan's podcast in the coming weeks.

And then, about a week later, I was driving back to work from a lunch break when my phone rang. I answered on my car's bluetooth sound system. It was Dan Savage himself, and he made me pull over so I could talk with him safely, which I did immediately. We had a great conversation; he is so personable and familiar it was a bit like chatting with an old friend.

If you follow the link and don't want to listen to Dan's opening rant or the whole podcast, I am the first caller and my call begins at exactly 9:50 on the podcast timeline and our conversation runs to 20:45.

Savage Lovecast Episode 45

I have to say, the advice worked. Recognizing that my friend would probably not have invited this interaction if there was nothing in it for him helped me allow the interactions to unfold naturally. C knows what I look like, knows what I am into, and asked me anyway.

C visited me about a week after the podcast was released. I had messaged him a couple of times asking if he listened to the podcast without letting him know that I had been on it. He hadn't, though, so I played it for him and it opened the door for a new chapter in our friendship that now includes workouts and body worship. I will continue to explore this territory and journal about it here for as long as it inspires us.

Be Well!

The Feel of Solid Flesh Against the Skin

My friend knew I had a fetish for muscle. Maybe he didn't know all of the intimate details, how many directions it had led me over a lifetime, how much of my persona it had shaped. But he knew enough to ask me one night, just a few short weeks ago, if it would be weird to flex his muscles for me. 

Of course it would be weird! He was 20 years younger than I, my friend of several years, more into women than men, and not attracted to me sexually. Yet, here he was, interested, willing, inviting me to indulge my attraction to him, my desire to view him as a sexual object, to allow myself to arouse an energy that I had mostly kept to myself. Known but kept hidden for my entire adolescence, I had only shared my secret with a few of my most trusted and supportive friends, and a few scattered clandestine liasons through my adult life.

This is a dream coming true for me. And so many threads of the tapestry I'd spent my erotic life weaving show up in this new garment. Tall, handsome, creative, athletic, smooth and lean, with dense, solid muscle he almost sheepishly carries on his lithe, lanky frame. Confident, strong, funny, wise, a person I already know and love as a sweet friend. Generous, helpful, kind.

Then there are the qualities I had not really known about him until our first exploration of our parts in this story. That he enjoys pushing himself in his workouts. That his muscles have that solid dense feeling, like a hard cock, that thrills me like nothing else can. That he makes noises of effort when he works out, pushes himself to his limits. Appreciates being directed and encouraged to do more than he might on his own.

We have had 2 sessions since he first brought the subject up, some details of which I will share in coming posts. For now, I wanted to reboot this blog by introducing this adventure which is just now unfolding for me.

For now, stay strong and be well!